Finding pants that fit

sometimes you gotta expand

Hello! I hope you had a peaceful and restorative holiday weekend. It’s the time of year for me that begins ‘the holidays’ and I have a mixed feeling about it overall. I have been finding this year, some of the focus in my life has shifted, and because of that certain parts of me are flagrantly signaling the alarm bells of anxiety with perfectionism at its root.

Even the wonderful response I got from my last newsletter announcing my gig next year sent me under the covers, shaking with imposter syndrome. Every tough experience of performance I’ve ever had showed in my own personal psychic ‘reel’ - and those embers are still burning somewhere in me.

My own self-image is in a struggle bus too. What I look like, how I feel in my body, and some grief that it’s harder to be as athletic as I used to be, despite treating my body better - it feels so frustrating when a pair of pants that ‘should’ fit, doesn’t feel quite right when I look in the mirror.

And WHY is this coming up NOW?

Luckily, I think it’s because my consciousness is expanding. When I say the focus of my life has shifted, I mean that my awareness is increasing as I dive deeper into understanding why my own levels of consciousness are changing. The old ways of phoning it in and over scheduling don’t work anymore. The old days of getting on stage with a couple of drinks in me are unappealing. The old patterns of handing over my power and let others make decisions for me - in my work life, creative life and personal life - though at times it seems easier - don’t satisfy me in the long run.

I am more free - and this is both wonderful and terrifying - to determine what is important to me and what my priorities truly are. I am constantly in a state of overcorrection and I have to say I LOVE that now Tuesdays are ‘Megan works on her shit days’ but by the end of those days, I have been in a state of mixed rage, hunger and self deprecation because even one day a week toward this isn’t enough to catch up for all the time I’ve given away. I am trying to soften on this, and forgive my ‘meanpalm brain’ for being so hard on my soul that is just wanting to do her best.

The inner voice - how we talk to ourselves - our vulnerable precious selves - the conversations we need to be having to embark on deeper knowings - how do those go for you?

I was watching a friend of mine, Payton Dale, on TikTok the other day - she is a stylist in town and has so many wise words and sometimes her wisdom hits me at the right exact moment. She said something to the effect of - ‘Wear clothes that fit you. No one is going to demand to look at the label to see what size you are’ and this changed my perspective on everything - it’s so true! Sure, in life when your pants don’t fit - which I really needed to hear again - but also when dealing with my own self doubts and harsh self-criticisms. To find security and safety - a comfort zone where we are truly ourselves - we don’t have to be perfect at all things to demonstrate it. In fact a lot of stuff on social media is pushing this to a level that is creating so much friction within the self! (Payton’s TikTok is an oasis in the desert of this shitstorm!)

Changing a habit is hard. It is really truly difficult and uncomfortable, and over and over - what we used to lean on doesn’t support anymore, and that’s what change is. We might need bigger pants to be able to properly expand. That is SO OK. I didn’t set out to talk about this today - but I need to talk more about it. Also, by the way, sizing is such BS - especially for women.

Ok, thanks for reading - take good care out there! xoxo m

Here’s Payton’s TikTok I was referring to:

@thepaytonproject @thepaytonproject ♬ original sound - Payton Dale

Tiktok failed to load.

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