Winter, grief and HBD Dolly

Warning: a pause in action might bring up big feelings

OMIGOSH this past week we had WINTER in Nashville. Something happens here when it snows that is different from anywhere else I’ve lived — everything completely shuts down. And there is a good reason I’ve only left the house twice in the past 7 days (besides gingerly walking Baba) - no snow plows, salt trucks, magical shoveling faeries, bulldozers or magic frogs EVER come down my street. Today’s thaw felt like a respite and even though I initially welcomed the snow, it all started getting on my nerves the last few days. I feel bad about that a little bit because I have it relatively easy. Heck, even my NURSING job can be done remote - what a blessing! But I think there is something about being cooped up that makes anyone a little bit antsy after awhile, and following antsy for me is apathetic. Like, I don’t even wanna…. do anything at all! All this free time I’ve been craving suddenly handed to me, and I’m like meh. I guess I’ll practice the piano (eventually).

I think it triggered up some pandemic memories for me, even though during that time I was actually leaving the house often, since I was still working in acute care. It silenced everything else for a much longer time than anyone thought it would. Looking back, I can see how the weeks blended into months and eventually we kinda all lost track of how long it went on. And now, it’s hard to remember what we even did besides make a lot of outside fires, which now I’m back to saying, ‘Ew, it’s too cold for a fire.’ As I took out the trash in short sleeves today because it hit a balmy 40 degrees, I felt a little bit of relief that this little trigger of a memory wasn’t in it for the long haul. But taking a peak at it again, well, it brings up a lot for me, and I realize I’m still somewhat traumatized by some of what I witnessed in my years at the bedside, and how many times I made it to work in snow and ice storms, and cared for people during actual tornadoes and severe storms, and how many damn fire drills we did where I believe some of my hearing has been taken away. Oh, and being abused by the healthcare systems in a myriad of ways. So now, when the weather hits, and I’m like a normal person who doesn’t have to go anywhere, I am like, hell yes, I’m eating this up and couching it hard.

In stillness, however, also comes awareness, which I usually welcome, but sometimes there is also sadness about all sorts of things. Right now I am grieving the sudden death of my friend, Ingrid Graudins, who died on January 8th - just 2 weeks ago. I am still reflecting on how it could be possible just to cross over like that. There is a part of me that is still in disbelief, although I know it’s true, and I’ve been trying to allow her generous spirit and beautiful curiosity to be with me right now, knowing how precious life is. She loved the snow, and would have enjoyed the still beauty we were given, all the while caring for stray cats and creating makeshift shelters for them. I am certain all the cats she ever cared for that have crossed over welcomed her at the pearly gates reassuring her that Spaulding, her beloved cat left behind, was in good hands.

Ingrid was an amazing vocalist who I first saw in the late 90’s with Jonatha Brooke. We became friends when she moved to Nashville about 8 years ago. She was at one of my gigs and said some really nice words to me. I didn’t tell her I was a fan of HERS till we got to know each other better. I always think ‘What would Ingrid do’ whenever I approach any harmony singing. She is that type of guide. I already miss her so much.

Even though I worked in end of life care for nearly a decade, losing someone close is still really hard. There is no script to follow after all. There’s a form of ‘checking in’ that happens for me - with myself, and also my other relationships. But I also stall a little - like how do I slow time down? What is important after all?

Dolly Parton turned 78 this past Friday. I’ve been reading a ton of her old interviews from the 70’s and 80’s and truly learning how she became the ‘Dolly’ we know and love. She had to overcome a lot - from growing up very poor in rural Tennessee to being made fun of for her body type and style well into the 90’s. Reading some of the old interviews, the culture of the times comes through, and what stories felt relevant for then. So much of it was around being a certain size. Hello diet culture! And it’s still a thing today - although I don’t think Dolly calls herself ‘fat’ in interviews anymore - but diet culture is still vibing hot! Now we have weight loss drugs (designed for people with diabetes!) as the new game changers. I’m glad that they ‘seem’ safe and all, yet I hate to break it to y’all that if you want to keep the weight off, you’ll need to stay on the drug forever. No thanks. I’ve accepted that my body will never be as awesome as it was in my 20’s - and unfortunately I didn’t know it then, or ever think it was awesome. I’m working on loving the vessel I’ve got - and even with a few knicks and scars and extra curves, I’ve still got a core in there and stretching and dancing around are still feeling good.

Learning the Dolly songs for my upcoming gig has been actually fun. Even though I’ve sang ‘Jolene’ for years, I don’t know if I ever sat down and analyzed it. And ‘Just Because I’m a Woman’ - that is one heck of a tune! It is one of her first hits and it is autobiographical. Take a listen to that one! Her writing, is so incredible for the times (it came out in 1967) Here she is performing it on the Porter Wagoner show.

Dolly is still rocking - even putting out a ‘rock’ album recently. I love her dearly, and feeling like I’m still getting to know her better. I really hope I get to meet her someday so I can thank her for all she’s done!

Stay safe and warm and inspired. xoxo m