Legs of Legacy
the joy of being unsuccessful
Hi! Thanks to everyone who has read and subscribed to this newsletter in the past 2 weeks. It took more courage than I imagined to actually declare I’m writing something. Just as I was feeling shaky about all of it, my sister Betty sent me a newsletter by Nora McInerny, the host of one of my fav podcasts, ‘Terrible, Thanks for Asking’ and I must say it hit home pretty hard. It got me thinking about why we do anything, and what it means to have something viewed as ‘successful’ even to ourselves.
I don't want to act as though failure isn't painful (or consequential), but the only person who has never failed is a person who has never tried. I do not know a person who hasn't swung and missed and sometimes fallen on their butt from the momentum. Nora McInerny
An early title for my memoir was ‘The Joy of Being Unsuccessful’. I was thinking about the music industry and how embarrassed I have felt at times about the lack of success I’ve had. Success, of course, in the eyes of the model of this current day, which has often felt like a pyramid scheme. More on that in a minute…
When I was making my first record, Forget Me Not, I was 30 years old and thought I was pretty late to the party to be making my first record. I saw myself as a late bloomer. I was terrified I would die before it was finished and had so many concerns about what the legacy of my life might be. At the time, it felt so important. What I actually learned was that it wouldn’t be my ONLY record. I would go on to continue to write songs and find ways to collaborate with others and ultimately make more records, regardless if anyone ever actually heard them.
Transferring over into the writing industry feels like running from one burning building into another, especially the more I look into what it takes to actually publish something.
But my naivetè and hopefulness to express myself on the written page is overriding the self doubt train that comes by several times a day - including the one that wakes me up at night and calculates the cost of paper.
I’ve always discovered truths emerging from words and I find that when I write daily, I have a better sense of how to articulate my feelings. Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way and the morning pages concept has long been a staple for me. I rededicated to it at the beginning of 2021 and worked the book again in a group on Zoom and since then I’ve rarely missed a day. I highly recommend doing this practice for a while if you are feeling stuck. There are days when all I write is ‘I want coffee. I don’t want to go to work. The world is crumbling. I need coffee.’ Sometimes the pages help me remember my dreams more clearly. Sometimes I get new ideas. Sometimes old ideas mature into better ones. It’s a winning start to the day, if only to clear out the muck that has bubbled over from the day before and collectively coagulated overnight.
I’m still trying to know how to share what I’m working on. I mean, I keep talking about it! And I don’t actually have a title yet. I’m terrified of sharing the work because right now it’s still marinating and a lot of it is still in my head.
I want to write a book that shows how being creative is life saving. That it's a necessity, not a luxury. I want to share some of the stories of my life that have taught me to believe this deeply. I dove in early as a sensitive kid, and then became a nurse while I continued to develop as a musician. Also, studying the healing modality Therapeutic Touch has influenced my quest for connections that make sense. (which from Dr. Carl Skrade, is the definition of religion). Although I am still not sure WHAT I am doing, I have many tools to guide me on the direction I am going next.
I think we get caught up in what our legacy is as we go through life. It’s part of why in the music industry everyone gets so pushy about being successful, ie ‘making it.’ But what is making it? Is it becoming famous? Do most musicians really want to be famous? I don’t know. Fame is a responsibility and it is not always the greatest reward. As someone who is more on the introverted side, I think it would be difficult to be famous and even if I may have wished for it at some point, I don’t think I still do.
Holly Whitaker from ‘Recovery’ addressed legacy in her audio newsletter this week. It’s a good listen and I loved what she said
My legacy is that I raised 25 million and failed… Last year as I was trying to untangle myself from that, I was looking at a potential for having a really bad legacy. In that space alone I had to confront, could I live with that, could I have a good life, and be either forgotten completely or remembered for reasons I didn’t want to be remembered. The answer is, ya I can live with that.
We are so worried about if we make a name for ourselves…we are worried about our reputations, how people will perceive us, our life deemed meaningless if we didn’t make our mark, it's a lot of fucking pressure
It’s a terrible way to live. I'm confronting that I might end up with a terrible legacy, or none.
It was liberating to think I can do work I absolutely care about instead.
I have to ask, What will guide me? ~ Holly Whitaker, from 'Recovery'
intermission: Baba found this ball at the park and it was his prized possession until he destroyed it within minutes of returning home. impermanence at best! Do I want what I create to be seen and heard in the world? Yes, because I hope it can help in some way. Over and over I will tell a story about how someone else’s art saved me, because it happens all the time. Occasionally I even save myself with my own work. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed trying to understand all the ways I can be helpful, and lose myself in the process. It's a fine line. I am trying to find the balance, without pushing too hard, without totally exhausting myself, while still finding a sense of joy and contentment among all of the opportunities out there.
Holly hitched me a little bit when she denounced legacy. I mean, who doesn’t want to be remembered, right? I think it is something that is branded into us as young people and as we get older and witness folks at the end of life, there’s always the push to find ways to highlight some of the great things they accomplished. That’s why a lot of people’s work isn’t even known until after they die.
I think the real challenge, when thinking about LEGACY, is detachment from the outcome. What you put out into the world because you are called to do so must be alive in that moment, and not concerned about how and where it goes from there.
There’s so much pressure to promote and publicize the work. It feels counterintuitive to put money and energy out there only to turn a blind eye to how it's been received. I think that’s some of what I mean when I say the industry is a pyramid scheme. A few get lucky with results, but most others stay in the middle, swimming upstream, being told to hire publicists, pay for streams, go out and tour across the country, pay for ads on social media… making false promises to satisfy emotional cravings for being liked and remembered.
What about if we just asked, like Holly suggests, ‘What will guide me to make work I believe in’ without being overly worried about whether it's successful. Will it be enough? I want it to be. I really really want it to be.
A couple of addendums:
I didn’t mean to alarm anyone last week mentioning the botched scheduling of my upcoming surgery. It is something that has been in the plans for a long time, to ensure my body cuts back on estrogen production, since that’s been one of my biggest challenges in managing my health the past few years. I found it funny to see the title of my surgery in my patient portal listed as an ‘Upcoming Delivery’ - in which my ovaries are delivered…
We are deep in Virgo season. The Virgos in my life are so special and I’m celebrating them with a moody, theatrical playlist . If your sun sign is Virgo, here’s your soundtrack, I love how you are so unique in your own special ways.
Enjoy this full moon weekend. Chani says it might be a slightly shaky, so ride the waves instead of trying to swim against the tides.
love m