Deconstructing Perfectionism

get in loser, we're going to blaze some trails

Yesterday was my last day of work as a nurse until May. My official ‘healthcare hiatus’ has begun. As I tied up some loose ends, cleared out my baskets, and put my status as ‘away’ on - I felt both excited and weird. This time, my hiatus is related to something great - a music tour - but it still brought up the last two times I took extended leaves, and those were for my own health reasons. After I said goodbye to my bosses and peers, I tread carefully out of there, emotions in check. I walked out and there was heavy rains with thunder and lightning, soaking me as I briskly strode to my car in the garage - please, don’t let me get struck by lightning right now - I pleaded, while making sure not to slip on the pavement or something. Only till after I got to my car, did I allow some form of emotion to bubble up and release as I sat in the parking garage, already stuck in some kind of storm related traffic.

Honestly, I’ve been really nervous these past couple weeks. A nine week tour is a really big deal! The length of time away is enough to create a small anxiety attack for me. But what I am actually nervous about is

1. Things I can’t control

2. If I am good enough at music

Now, these look silly to me when I read them, or say them out loud. Well, the second one anyway, and really #2 loops back into #1, because I can’t control if I am good enough at music. Who’s judging that anyway? I mean, I am judging myself. Ah, the Perfectionist shows up again and slaps me on the wrist - Wrong note, she exclaims - and I cower away as the song moves on, dwelling in my imperfections, suddenly forgetting where I am and what I’m actually supposed to be doing. Welcome to the circus.

The ‘being’ in my life - of so many kinds of things - nurse, musician, friend, wife, dog mom - is great. I can claim so much and I have huge gratitude for all I ‘get’ to be. It’s easy to feel pushed and pulled at times though, while trying to do it all so perfectly. Clearly I am human and can only carry so much bandwidth through it. And some things will take precedence over others at times. I think that sometimes my ‘fear’ of not being good enough is that I’ve not had enough time to devote to a certain thing that I suddenly want to spotlight and be brilliant at. When I get like that, I’m not so great to be around, and also, I’m missing the point of what is really important anyway.

facetime with my parents - smiling as we talk about the upcoming adventures

As I prepare for this gig (and I have been spending many hours practicing!) what comes to mind eventually is that I actually love to play music and that I am a musician at heart. Even if I take playing music as seriously as guarding someone’s life, the chances of harming them are extremely less. I mean, I have had to perform CPR at a gig before, but that’s extremely rare. (Mike Hindall, god rest his soul, he left the bar with a pulse)

And what I get to do, starting now, is actually CLAIM being a musician as my main job for these next couple months - HOLY MOLY! What a gift! The thing I truly love that sometimes takes the back burner, is my job right now. I get to travel to cool places, play in beautiful spaces, and connect musically with an awesome band of talented people. It’s literally a dream come true. My soul is like, get in loser, we’re going shopping to my skittish personality.

So I am choosing to lead with love. I pulled a card this morning from the deck, and its message was ‘The perception of love creates the most powerful of all energies.’ (Pamela Eakins, Tarot of the Spirit) Stretch yourself and you will grow. Approaching this experience through the lens of healing within and the courage to bestow love and grace up on myself is the way I want to proceed. It feels so much more whole and beautiful and actually brings me back into my my center of gravity. I can actually feel the emotion of the music we will make flow through me.

I hope to see some of you along the way on the tour. We start in Twin Falls, Idaho and end in Westhampton Beach, NY. See the dates below! See you out on the trails! xo mp