A pretty good year

a small case against linear time...

Since we measure time in a linear fashion, it always seems like wrapping up a year as a category is important. But as I reviewed my year in photos to prepare to sum it all up I realized that how I thought it went wasn’t exactly correct. And in fact, some things that I thought just happened a month or 2 ago, actually happened last year. Our memories are funny like that. I can tell you for sure at the beginning of 2022 I was emerging from getting my ass kicked from 22 weeks of chemo followed quickly by 35 radiation treatments and I was still in the midst of getting radiated until mid January. The impact of that weighed heavily on me physically, emotionally and mentally throughout the year. But in addition to the weight, I also felt it necessary to claim my joy and find ways to explore and take deeper dives than ever into my inner self. Doing my best to eliminate the ‘I should’ from my vocabulary allowed more freedom to rest as well. All in all, it was a pretty good year.

How it started, how it's going

If I did nothing else, I certainly grew some hair!

Time went faster than usual. I traveled to many places. I got a new nursing job that is a bit kinder to my energy levels. I spent quality time with friends and family. I read more books. I ate a lot of great food. I saw amazing concerts - Brandi, Elton & Lizzo in the same month! I watched the Guardians make the playoffs. I played some music without expectations. I dug into my own memoir writing and discovered I have many stories to tell.

As I work on this memoir, I have no choice but to put eras into years, so I can at least get my chronology straight as I find the story I want to tell. But in my mediation about it, I am looking for the moments that are most important. Maybe this is too technical, but it’s where I am right now, while also remembering to live in the present, or pleasant tense, as my friend Frank Tennyson likes to say.

When you look back, what impacts you the most in your own life? Do you lean on traumatic events that shaped you, or do you revel in happy times? Do you remember when you were less aware and compare to times where you can’t unknow things anymore, and realize that is the rub? I know I do.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful as hell for the awareness. Even if I thought I was having fun drinking my face off in my late 20’s and hangovers weren’t as bad, I can also tell you I didn’t like myself, and that I wasn’t always a very good friend.

I spent most of 2021 not drinking at all, and felt pretty decent despite the fighting cancer part. In 2022 as I revisited the concept of drinking again, and honestly the jury is still out. My body, no surprises here, doesn’t tolerate alcohol like it used to. Lucky me, I really can’t drink more than 1 or 2 drinks without horrible physical consequences. Why do it at all? Welllll, that’s tough because this world we live in, it’s so pro alcohol. Everywhere you go someone is generously offering to put a drink in your hand. It’s easier to say yes than no thank you. And I like a nice glass of wine or a fun cocktail at my friend’s bar. It feels festive! And sure mocktails are cool and I find them to be more innovative than ever, but sometimes a stiff drink is much more rewarding.

I didn’t sit down to write this year end newsletter about booze. But that is so booze, because is sneaks into everything everywhere. As the collective consciousness prepares to enter into ‘dry January’ or whatever, it feels like a nice unanimous ‘hush’ to alcohol, if only for a month. Come January 31 or Feb 1, the pressure cooker’s steam will blow off again and though a good reset goes a long way, it still makes me feel uneasy. Does it always have to be all or nothing? I am asking myself as friend to me.

What I am seeking, in all aspects of my life - food, booze, exercise, creation, work, rest-is balance. The sweet spot. The sustained center. Can it be done? I believe in us all. The middle way is the path of intelligence. It involves careful curation and mindfulness. Self-forgiveness over judgement. Being enough in whatever capacity you can. Facing challenges over escaping from them. If there is such thing as a resolution, this one is mine, but I’m here to share it with you and keep talking about it. It turns out time is cyclical in nature despite our attachment to linear thinking.

Finding more ways to love ourselves and others through all the noise out there is what gives me hope for now and next year and the rest of time. Take good care out there. xoxo mp

Random moments of joy from 2022

and a few more because love :)